Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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