The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
My liver just had a heart attack.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
