I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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