So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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