Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
