I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
