Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
