I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
