He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
It was a blind-side dick pic.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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