Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Randomize
