My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
