my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
