I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
