I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
