I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
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