Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
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After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
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My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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