he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
