Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
