i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
