I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Of course I have a pirate flag
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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