And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
