I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
