In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
