I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
