i just snorted my name. best moment ever
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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