I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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