Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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