She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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