Small penises have feelings too.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
