Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
bring money and cleavage
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
