when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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