Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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