I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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