i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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