she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
