This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
