I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
