U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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