All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
