just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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