would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize