The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
