i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
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He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
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We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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