I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
You are the jesus of drinking
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
