I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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