He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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