WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
