We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
she told me i tasted like america
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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