Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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