Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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