And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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