just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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