I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
