Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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