Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
