The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
