the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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