my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
