She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
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I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
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I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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