My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
